When I look back I get a valuable insight from my life journey. Getting failure after failure in the India's prestigious Civil Services examination is one of the non-demanding outcomes of my preparation that stamps the clue of some fault lines.
My Study Table. (Pic by R. Suresh Bhardwaj)
I had no sense of passing through this complicated period full of problems, taunt and social stigmatic episode. Any of you who has gone by this solstice can draw the blueprint of embarrassment and insult how much one faces.
Holding the dream of becoming a civil servant is initially ambition with a hope of life, but later on it has not been less than nightmare.
My graduation days mark the first step in learning from the undesired phase that was never wanted. All day was going in thinking about the aim and ways to achieve it. Study was under control. Library was my second home. Purchasing books and turning each page passionately was my habit that continue even today, but labour had been lost after my first attempt.
I did not understand the reason of securing apparently low score in prelims. Many aspirants suggested me you should prefer smart study, and I applied too but I was unable to be shortlisted in the list.
My fate followed the same till my 3rd attempt when I was out by minimal margin.
I attempted state services examination. I got some relief of passing the prelims and mains but overall I was not recommended.
One thing I realised at this point that I was dumb yet for this exam. My preperation was not up to the mark that's why I was out of the competition. My mind was like 'C' and I was too. But, that time is over and I have still 3 more attempts. I need to focus on future not past because past is painful.
Night is darkest before the dawn. This is night for me, which became more frustrating and depressing when I decided to utilise my training of journalism. This is totally different field for those who are assigned with this unlike subject.
Getting job with my current organisation was not tougher than becoming used to be the departmental niche. In interview, HR started showing his mastery of demoralising and demotivating the candidates including me. I was not aware of this approach and I got trapped. In 3-5 minutes of conversation, he made a negative decision and offered me a job of Rs. 16,000 in a low graded department of the company.
Sometimes money does not matter. It matters what you experienced with low stipend. It even matters what outcome I get from my first job.
Actually, it is a process of weaving my tendency, manner and attitude in different context to deal the situation like the present one in the next professional set up and destination.
It will happen always and people like here will always meet me at another company. Sometimes, ignoring them will be one of the strategies and sometimes dealing and tackling the situation smartly will be second one.
I can say this because a girl like rotten fish was here. Undeserving seniors are here, who believe in back biting and defame others in the name of getting self reputation. People of different attitudes are here, who are totally separated in context of any of the matter, but they think they are smart and can make fool others. I have gone through these and I am getting insight from the above with stipend of Rs. 16,000.
Mood- Unbearable 😌😌
(It was originally written in November 2021.)
No comments:
Post a Comment