My Diary: Taste of my first failure

        It was mid August of 2015. I was confused to appear in the examination. I had no confidence that time for the exam, but the unjustified reasons of society forced me to bid for the chance.

       Doubts had vast ranges that also held labour and motivation. Why I was hesitating to appear in that exam is yet mystery, but it is a fact that then the propelling factors were impatience. I was carrying the burden of hopes and desires.

Picture is taken on Jan. 3, 2023 in New Delhi.

        I was just growing in the arena of people coming from different states, religions and beliefs. I was not aware of dishonesty, intention of cheating and getting benefits in human relationships and theft, but in a short period of time in the new city I experienced all the above. 

       Many stuffs were going with me. I had no sense about those. I was focused by my goal in unilateral direction. Books were everything for me. Sitting 8-10 hours for the study was the top priority. 

        Actually, It was phase of transition and illusion. In this phase, thinking is far different from actuality and people presume it as real. It forces people to go against those who are average in their perspectives. Depiction starts making space in mind and it is proved right after sometime when they go across almost every topic during preparation, and rest of the masses does not get experience of it.

       It is a phase of alienation from society. Average people and unlike minds that go long can be justified in the name of family, society and self motivation. Books become real friend. Utilising time to read more and more is second one. 

       With 1 year of preparation, 8 hours of study, full confidence and the expectations of the family, society and self, I appeared for the examination.

        Everything was going good. I arrived at examination centre on time. Documents were okay and I entered the hall with jolly mood. Paper-1 was apparently good and 2 was better just after the examination. Answer keys of the question paper came out in the market. I started checking my performance.

        Simple questions started following the track of becoming wrong. First polity question was wrong, second was too, and when the third polity found its same fate; my heart beat went increasing. When even a history question became wrong; I lost my hope. My mind went silent and the body experienced a unique situation that I had never gone through.

         One year of labour had now no meaning. All hopes had been destroyed, but the expectations were still alive. For more than a month, I never touched books and fell in love with the tea to fight against loneliness. Loneliness was getting its pace. It got accelerated after the going of my girlfriend after result.

          But, it was my fate. Journey had to start again. Destroyed courage and motivation were waiting to be restored. I collected all my scattered elements of success after my first failure, and began my voyage for an uncertain journey.

Mood- Depressed 😔😔

(It was originally written in November 2021 remembering the situation after the first failure in civil services examination in 2015.)